Aardvark Alley

Lutheran Aardvark

Confessional Lutheran theology, hagiography, philosophy, music, culture, sports, education, and whatever else is on the fevered mind of Orycteropus Afer

09 January 2008
  Well Render Me Speechless ...
at Least Render Me Something

Actually, I'm not speechless, and for at least one sense of the word, I'd rather not be rendered, either.

Nor do I wish to be ... well ... carbonated? No, that's a second cousin* of the word I seek, at best.

Carbonized? Ah, that's it!

Also, while the process takes place within me, I certainly hope to avoid having synthesis acted upon me — even after my demise. Unfortunately, should Mrs. Vark outlive me, my preferences could go by the boards.

By now, you're likely pondering the nature of the bush about which I've been beating, so I shall attempt a more forthright tack. Should I die before it comes, I do not desire awaiting the great Day of the Lord having my physical self stripped down to its carbon content and converted into a synthetic diamond.

Tiffany DiamondYet I could face this fate should Mrs. V desire to discover if I might be worth more dead than alive and moves to contact LifeGem®. Yes, their patented process could reduce the earthly dwelling of my sparkling wit to a "forever" bauble sparkling upon her finger or hanging from her neck.

I have no tangible evidence that such a fate awaits me through the machinations of my fair, beautiful, loving, talented, charming bride of many years (yes, dear, I know you occasionally venture a visit to my corner of the Burrow). However, I inherited a certain suspicious nature (thanks, Daddy Vark) that sometimes borders upon paranoia (you, too, Mommy V). Said nature keeps watch in a dark corner of my mind, pouncing upon any event or activity it perceives to be out of the ordinary and/or potentially harmful.

The nagging worries stem from her recent encouragement to my already amply sized self to "eat more" because she thinks I'm "looking a bit underfed." Now back in the Dark Ages of my formal education, logic was something they taught us. We learned the sequence, "If A=B and B=C then A=C." This can carry on to D's, E's, F's, and beyond. So please help me check my philosophical math: "If my increased food consumption (A) yields a larger me (B) and a larger me (B) yields a larger pile of carbon (C) while a larger pile of carbon (C) yields a larger stone (D), then my increased food consumption (A) equals a larger diamond (D)."

As I indicated, it's probably just the curse of possessing a Doubting Thomas nature, but I now think that forming and keeping a belated New Year's resolution to lose a fair bit of weight might be more prudent than I previously imagined.

*"Use the right word, not its second cousin." Mark Twain, Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses, 13th Rule of Literary Art

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