Aardvark Alley

Lutheran Aardvark

Confessional Lutheran theology, hagiography, philosophy, music, culture, sports, education, and whatever else is on the fevered mind of Orycteropus Afer

19 May 2006
  No Pat Answers, Please
Especially When Nobody Asked the Question

Pat RobertsonThe Grand Vark has a CD from the Midwestern suburban fathers garage band The Doo - Dads. In a train of convoluted logic, "evangelist" Pat Robertson's latest pronouncement on upcoming U.S. weather &mdash especially his disclaimer &mdash slowly dragged one of the songs on the Dads' CD into my mind.

You see, whenever one of Yahweh's real prophets cut loose with a prediction, you'd always get, "Thus says the Lord," or "declares the Lord," or some such guarantee. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Pat must worry about the warnings against falsely prophesying in His name, because he prefaced his proclamation by saying, "If I heard the Lord right."

"If?" Cannot the One who made the deaf to hear ensure that Pat got the message straight?

Peanut Butter"So," thought I, "what could have impeded the message?" As I considered this conundrum, I loaded the aforementioned Grand Vark into the family carriage and let him choose the tunes for our excursion.

"Play Number Six!" he exclaimed. As soon as the opening line began, I realized a possible source for all of Pat's troubles. Perhaps he's a messy eater and, like the narrator of the song, should be using the excuse, "I got Peanut Butter in My Ear! (M3U audio)"

In order that Pat hear more clearly, we now need to consider treatment and removal options. Some might prefer immersion in boiling water — which would certainly soften the goober goo and allow it to run out. Others may suggest ants (yum) being sent in to carry out the offending substance bit by bit.

Personally, I think that freezing it solid (which would, of course, include inserting the legume - hosting head in the deep freeze for several hours) is the way to start. Once solidified, a few hard whacks should shatter the peanut butter, allowing us to invert our favorite "holy" man and shake the fragments out.

How many whacks? While Lizzie Borden may have preferred forty to forty-one, my personal choice would be a nice, round 700 Clubbings.

Of course, I may be mistaken about all this. Countless other possible diagnoses and treatments are available online. Among them are those of Pastor Disaster, Scottius Maximus, and St. James the Hoosier.

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