2006 Predictions Swaami Aardi Knows All, Tells All

Inspired by the supermarket tabloids' psychic predictions and incited by the goading of Ed Veith's Looking Ahead at Cranach, Swaami Aardi fearlessly forecasts the following follies for the year of Aught Six.

January
During the Rose Bowl, new University of Southern California mascot Trojan Man stars in commercials focusing on "safe footballing." Unfortunately for the Southern Cal squad, he gives out lubricated samples to the home team prior to the game with the University of Texas. The slick-handed Men of Troy are unable to hang on to the ball. The Longhorns rupture the Trojans as UT beats USC 42-17.

Elsewhere, Epiphany services throughout much of mainstream Christianity are cancelled. Chagrined Church officials explain, "We couldn't find any wise men."

February
The Super Bowl halftime show experiences a massive "wardrobe malfunction." Due to a typo in a memo given the Broadway production company responsible for the festivities, the song and dance routine devoted to the NFC champions becomes a Full Monty salute to the Chicago Bares.

Days later, controversy shrouds Turin's Winter Olympics. Pope Benedict XVI pronounces anathema against those involved in the opening program because, following recent trends, the producers introduce elements of ancient paganism into the ceremonies. This includes salutes to the old Roman gods. Through his translator, His Popishness remarks, "This country ain't big enough for Jupiter and me."

March
On Ash Wednesday, America's official Church Growth Guru™ unveils a new alliance with Sea World. The feature-length film Lent Aquatic with Rick Warren launches their joint venture book and video series, 40 Days of Porpoise.

Homosexual-themed oater Brokeback Mountain wins 8 Academy Awards. The cash value of the statuettes almost doubles the film's gross receipts to date.

April
Inspired by their successfully avoiding services on Christmas Day 2005, some of America's largest congregations once again close their doors for the Feast of the Resurrection, saying, "Easter is, after all, a time for family." Unfortunately for these megachurches, hardly anyone returns the following week because they've learned from staying home and listening to the 16 April Lutheran Hour broadcast that every Sunday is Easter.

The City of New Orleans experiences a massive building boom by purchasing billions of dollars worth of construction supplies and billing itself as Spring Break Central 2006. Thousands of college students take advantage of the "Big Easy Build Your Own Beach House" promotion, finishing just in time to return to classes as displaced residents move into their newly constructed homes.

May
Conspiracy theorists delight as a secret society claims responsibility for blowing up the offices of Imagine Entertainment a week before the company releases The Da Vinci Code to general distribution. However, copies of the movie have already shipped and are greeted by protestors from the religious right ("This film is unchristian") and the radical left ("This film completely glosses over the contributions of Leonardo's homosexuality to his creative genius").

June
Everyone seems to be on vacation, including those supposed to be working, so why don't we skip to ...

July
With the implementation of its new drug testing and suspension policies, Major League Baseball limps into the All Star break. Steroid withdrawal has most teams' leading home run hitters barely into double-digit dingers. Meanwhile, the games themselves are becoming real snoozers, not for the fans, but for amphetamine-deprived players. While fewer teammates have injured themselves running into each other, new records are being set for outfielders hit on the head while falling asleep under high fly balls.

August
In NASCAR news, the crew for the Viagra® car is puzzled as to why the vehicle's suspension refuses to soften after the completion of its races.

September
As the college football season begins, officials for the Bowl Championship Series promise that this year, "We've finally got all the bugs ironed out." However, the coaches' poll continues voting for the usual suspects while the computers conspire to split all their votes between Cal Poly and MIT.

At about the same time, the 2005 NHL season finally ends and Lord Stanley's Cup is awarded to a bunch of guys who've forgotten how to fight or play defense.

Seeking to reverse its steady decline in the ratings, NBC revamps its fall schedule. The Peacock Network announces such sure-fire winners as Son of Seinfeld, Joey's Friends, and two newbies added to existing franchises, Law and Order: The Meter Maids and Apprentice: Geek, with Apple founder Steve Jobs. Unfortunately for Jobs, while the network likes the show's numbers, his chosen apprentice later ousts him in a hostile takeover and sets his sights on the Microsoft empire.

October
Seeking an open debate over the direction in which The Lutheran Church — Missouri Synod is heading, reform-minded individuals attempt to nail 95 theses for debate to the doors of synodical headquarters in Kirkwood, Missouri. Their desire to emulate Martin Luther leads to their undoing, since they approach the building after dark and don't notice that the doors are constructed of glass until after the first hammer blow.

November
Despite clear skies elsewhere, "weather problems at O'Hare" doom every single person choosing to fly before Thanksgiving Day to spend two days grounded in local airports.

December
Supplies of holiday "must-have" toy Green-Fingered Elmo remain scarce. Meanwhile, television commercials featuring his catchy new paean to nose picking play constantly*, leading to levels of parental angst not seen since the Cabbage Patch craze.

Later in the month, the momentous decision to hold services both on Sunday 24 December and Christmas Day is made by COMA, the Consortium of Megachurches Allied. As is common among these supersized purveyors of spirituality, pragmatism fueled their thinking: Polling of hardcore members and "seekers" alike showed near-unanimous desire to be able to find an open Starbucks over the holiday.

*You put your finger in, you pull your finger out,
You put your finger in and you move it all about.
You pick yourself a winner and you show it as you shout,
"Look what was in my snout!"

  ¶ 22:52 |